Sometimes I choose to not step out. Hiding is easier, safe it seems. The sun is too bright, I feel exposed, and I run back to my covering. It’s safe in here. My wounded self has been so wrapped up in that identity, it’s hard to throw it off . . . for will I lose a part of me?
Years ago I became new, Christ offering His life for mine. How could I not respond? His gift of sacrifice, forgiveness, eternity incomprehensible! I have known my shame and depravity. So for many years I walked with my burdens left behind, and my self somewhere, too, as I looked to and learned of the LORD, as I focused on others, their needs.
One day it came as a quiet thundering roar, the need to visit self once more. And I began to explore me . . . who is that girl again? Perhaps it would have been easier just to forget, walk on, leave me behind. But I did not. Like with my shadow tethered well, I picked up self to start again. And so began internal work, the thinking deep, the wondering. Examining the where’s and why’s, unveiling depths of suffering. I truly do not wish to dwell in there, but let God’s light bring to life the healing needed for parts of me that have been wounded, are not right. That just do not understand.
I hope that is not selfishness. I’d rather hope by example to invite others into freedom, too, as they find it’s safe to lean into the truth of who they really are, with the LORD to guide them through; even through those darkest valleys of their soul, those awful awful places one fears and chooses to avoid.
God has never rejected me. It is absolutely beyond amazing that as I prattle on and on, keep spinning in that same spot, His patient endurance and forbearance of me remains. He gently walks me on. He is good to go at my pace, my choice it seems; other times He carries me. I know He is the one in control, and I am grateful. His view of my situation is bigger than mine. He is the One Who changes me. So, perhaps this hiding is ok. A place of rest, renewal, new birth taking place. For somewhere deep inside I am in grand company! God has come to dwell with me!